Love Across Borders: How to do Long Distance Relationships as an Expat?

Have you ever fallen in love with someone from your own country, only to later receive an irresistible job offer letter from international borders? Did you and your partner have a conversation about whether you would continue the relationship long-distance or break it off? But Voila! Love triumphed over distance and you both decided to be in a LDR – Long Distance Relationship! Let’s take Nisha and Robin, for example. They have been in a relationship for a few months, but Robin moved to the Netherlands for his job while Nisha stayed back in India. 

The first few days of long distance, there were endless video calls and constant texting, thanks to the convenience of social media. During this honeymoon phase of a LDR, physical distance feels less daunting. However, in a few days, Robin starts adjusting to the new place, and his job requires him to give it more time. Reality sets in. He begins adjusting to the new place by making new friends and fulfilling the demands of the job while Nisha feels neglected that she is no longer his priority. Suddenly, this distance feels a lot bigger!

The Struggles of Long-Distance Love 

Being an expat brings unique challenges, especially to a long-distance relationship. So, what are these main challenges in an LDR? 

Time zones! Robin comes back home from drinks with his office team. He calls Nisha, and she picks up the phone in a sleepy tone saying, “Robin..it’s 3 am here, I was sleeping..”. Robin feels sad and apologizes, then proceeds to hang up. This happens regularly, and finding time to chat becomes a scheduling nightmare. Most importantly, cultural complexities can add another layer of complexities. The shift in mindsets, thoughts, and experiences can lead to a disconnect with your partner. As an expat, you are exposed to a different culture, and you may find yourself subconsciously blending in and adapting to the local mindsets and customs (5). Nisha is more conservative due to her background, while Robin is now seeing a cultural shift where he becomes more open-minded. Over time, their differences reflect subtly in the conversations they have, which leads to misunderstandings and even insecurities.

What Keeps Long-Distance Relationships Going?

So, what do people do to make it work? Or what will Nisha and Robin do in this case? The answer lies in what researchers call Relationship Maintenance Behaviours (RMBS), which helps individuals maintain behaviours in long-distance relationships and the quality of their connection (1). Some of them look like this:

1. Openness: If something is bothering you, talk about it. If Nisha is feeling jealous of one of Robin’s colleagues as she saw them partying on his story. They should speak about it in an open and honest manner.
2. Reassurance: A simple “I love you” or “I wish you were here” could go a long way as it will keep reminding your partner that you think about them.
3. Engaging in activities together: Watching a movie online together, online dinner dates, or online games further strengthens the bond. Small things like this keep the connection going and alive.
4. Downloading apps for couples: There are applications like “Paired” that help long-distance couples keep their spark alive through quizzes and deep questions about each other that they have to answer daily on the app.

The Crucial Role of Emotional Intimacy

While RMBs are essential to maintain a long-distance relationship as an expat, it’s only one piece of the puzzle. Maintaining emotional intimacy is a critical component of a long-distance relationship. According to research by Bowlby’s attachment theory, the absence of a partner physically can threaten a sense of safety due to the absence of a secure base; this could lead to destabilizing one’s security in the relationship (2). Therefore, to keep an LDR secure and high in satisfaction, Bryant and Veroff (2017) proposed a theory called relationship savouring. Essentially, savouring is the process of intensifying and expanding the positive emotions of experiences in relationships. 

We can explain relationship savoring through Nisha and Robin. During their online dates, they reminisce about all the moments they had together where they talk about the fabulous weekend getaways they had together in India. This helps them relive those moments, which makes them feel closer. Or, they can also look forward by making future plans and trips which will help them feel excited and hopeful for the future. 

Distance Is Not the Enemy

Want to hear some good news? For any expat feeling overwhelmed, research shows that long-distance couples often end up with stronger relationships than those in close proximity relationships (4). Why? This is because they do not take every time they get together for granted, online or offline. When you are apart, you work harder to stay connected. 

Oh, and about Nisha and Robin? They have been together in a long-distance relationship for 5 years now. It has not always been easy but they learned to communicate better and trust each other more than ever. Therefore, distance, after all, is not the enemy. It is the test for expats to express and prove their love across borders!

If you want to explore more about long-distance relationships, check out other articles at expathy.org. Moreover, if you are struggling with navigating through your long-distance relationship, you can also get help from professionals at Expathy.org. Our goal is to help you with expat challenges and make your adjustment easier through online therapy sessions. We connect you with licensed psychologists who speak your native language, understand your cultural background, and are expats themselves. It’s simple, fast, and affordable. Learn more about Expathy!

References

1. Belus, J. M., Pentel, K. Z., Cohen, M. J., Fischer, M. S., & Baucom, D. H. (2018). Staying Connected: An Examination of Relationship Maintenance Behaviors in Long-Distance Relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 55(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2018.1458004

2. Bowlby, J. (2012). A Secure Base. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203440841

3. Bryant, F. B., & Veroff, J. (2017). Savoring. Psychology Press. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315088426

4. Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. J. (2012). Relationship Quality, Commitment, and Stability in Long-Distance Relationships. Family Process, 52(2), 257–270. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2012.01418.x

5. Tseng, C.-F. (2016). My Love, How I Wish You Were By My Side: Maintaining Intercontinental Long-Distance Relationships in Taiwan. Contemporary Family Therapy, 38(3), 328–338. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-016-9384-8